Hello, I'm Professor Hyo-Won Kim of the Department of Pediatric Psychiatry at Asan Medical Center.

 

As a physician who cares for the hearts of children and their parents, I've noticed that many people have been worried about what they would do if their child was being bullied, especially after watching the recent drama ‘The Glory’. Additionally, with the start of a new semester, parents are more concerned about their children's relationships with their peers and emotional changes. While we hope such situations do not occur, the reality is that language-based bullying or harassment often occurs during our children's school years. I would like to talk about how parents can care for their child's emotions when school violence occurs.

 

Trauma from bullying in reality

During adolescence, it is a time when children seek emotional independence from their parents while relying heavily on their peers. Children may become overly concerned about their relationships with friends and become vigilant about their behavior to avoid being bullied or harassed. When children are unable to connect with their peers, they may experience feelings of alienation, injustice, and guilt. If they have experienced bullying at school, the school itself can become a frightening place for them, and even seeing other children in school uniforms outside of school can trigger a fast heartbeat. Some children may even experience symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder.

 

In some cases, victims may continue to encounter their aggressors because they are unable to separate themselves from them. Additionally, if the aggressor and their family refuse to acknowledge any wrongdoing and instead blame the victim, the victim may experience secondary wounds. In some cases, the victim may find it difficult to cope with these situations and may choose to switch schools or discontinue their education altogether.

 

 

What should parents of school violence victims do?

In fact, I think that in ‘The Glory’, the biggest difficulty that Moon Dong-eun faced was not the bullying by her friends, but the attitude of the parents who failed to keep their child safe. The attitude of parents who did not try to understand their child's difficulties or overcome the situation together, but instead signed a document saying ‘The reason for quitting school is because of the child (Moon Dong-eun),’ and ran away after receiving money from the perpetrator's parents made it even more difficult for Dong-eun.

 

1. When a child seems to be experiencing bullying, it is most important for parents to comfort their own hearts first. If parents are anxious and flustered, children will be even more frightened and anxious.

 

2. Since a child may feel like ‘It's my fault’ or ‘You must’ve also done something wrong,’ parents should be careful not to blame or question the child. It is important to calmly treat the child so that they always feel that their parents are on their side.

 

3. Parents should help their child express the situation and emotions of being bullied in words. It is also important to inform the school of the accurate situation and facts, and depending on the degree of the damage, to immediately separate the perpetrator from our children and receive a proper apology from the perpetrator. The most important thing for the victim's recovery is a sincere apology from the perpetrator.

 

However, what parents should consider more importantly from a long-term perspective is to help their child quickly overcome negative emotions such as exclusion, decreased self-confidence, and depression caused by being bullied.

 

 

How can we recognize school violence?

Many parents are unaware that their children are experiencing school violence. In order to encourage children to seek help from their parents quickly when their children experience difficulties such as school violence, parents must first feel safe. If children feel that their parents may become more hurt or burdened by their difficulties, their children may not feel comfortable discussing their problems with them. Additionally, if parents make their children feel like they are at fault by blaming them for the situation, the children may not feel comfortable discussing the difficulties they are facing.

 

 

Symptoms of school violence victims

The appearance of children who are being bullied can manifest in various ways. Symptoms such as insomnia, depression, anxiety, mood swings, irritability, and panic can occur. Particularly, adolescent children may try to avoid talking to their parents. It is important for parents to observe any slight behavioral changes in their children and to have frequent conversations on a regular basis. It is also important for children to feel comfortable with their parents.

 

In particular, it should be noted that post-traumatic stress disorder can become chronic and appear in complex forms after trauma. Intrusive symptoms in which thoughts related to the school violence incident constantly arise, avoidance symptoms in which the child avoids thoughts, stories, or situations related to the incident, and persistent negative thoughts or feelings, irritability, and sudden emotional changes are common.

 

In addition, physical symptoms such as headaches, stomach aches, and dizziness may also appear, but in some cases, nothing may be found even after an examination. Some children may behave as if they have no confidence and no hope for the future, showing behaviors like ‘just let things happen.’ Recently, there have also been cases of children repeating self-harm or suicide attempts. If parents consider these behaviors to be insignificant or just attention-seeking, the child's post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms may become worse.

 

 

My child is experiencing PTSD... what should I do?

If you notice your child exhibiting symptoms of PTSD, it is important to first acknowledge their state as it is. It is necessary to help the child express their sense of trauma, helplessness, depression, and loneliness in words, and let them know that you, as their parent, understand and are doing your best to help. Efforts by people around the child to understand their emotions can be a great comfort. Try to read and understand the emotions the child may be feeling and help them express themselves in words.

 

It is essential to confirm if the child has engaged in self-harm or has made specific plans regarding suicide. When parents ask about death in a relaxed manner, the child may feel more comfortable talking about it, and this may reduce the likelihood of them acting on those thoughts. If there are symptoms or impulses that significantly affect daily life or if self-harm impulses persist despite parents' efforts, it is crucial to seek professional help immediately.

 

 

How to help a child adjust well to school

While some children may be excited about a new school year, many find it difficult to adjust to school. The main reason for the difficulty is usually related to academic demands, but there are also children who struggle due to social relationships with peers or difficulties at home. Some children may have a hard time with their relationship with their teacher as well. In the drama <The Glory>, Moon Dong-eun's homeroom teacher was actually making things harder for her by not supporting her and even taking her peers' side. If there had been a teacher who supported and understood her during difficult times, maybe Dong-eun wouldn't have dropped out of school.

 

When a child finds it hard to adapt to school or struggles with social relationships, parents can feel heavy-hearted. In such situations, the most important thing is to listen carefully to the child's difficulties and emotions. Rather than providing solutions like ‘Try this!’ or ‘Do that!’, it's more important to show interest and empathy towards the child's emotions. It's recommended to have enough empathy for the child's difficulties and to have a conversation about what kind of help the child needs.

 

Furthermore, in this era, it seems that parents need to have a flexible attitude toward school attendance. While we used to be proud of receiving a perfect attendance award when we were young, it's not the case anymore. It's okay for a child to be a little late or leave early, and if we emphasize too much that they must go to school, we might miss the difficulties they are experiencing. If a child is struggling with school, it's important to think and encourage together with the child about why it's difficult and how things can be improved.

 

 

For concerned parents

Parents who have already gone through their school years know that these difficult times will pass. However, for children who are currently suffering, it seems like a difficult time will never end, and they may fall into constant feelings of worthlessness and meaninglessness. At times like this, it is important for us to try to understand the children's difficulties well and to look closely at their hearts.

 

If your child has been a victim of school violence, please consult with the school or call the 24-hour school violence counseling and reporting hotline at 117. Also, if your child has problems with school violence and peer relationships, I hope you and your child will meet with a pediatric psychiatrist like me to find ways to understand and help your child's mind.